North Korea’s Failed Missile Launch Hits North Korean Town

On the heels of a month of everyone I know constantly pissing their pants at the prospect of their own death in a nuclear blast by a North Korean missile, we’ve just heard that one of North Korea’s missile tests ended with Kim Jong-un’s tiny missile falling flaccidly back to Earth less than a minute after he got it up, crashing into the North Korean city of Tokchon.

As of press time, American President Donald Trump, which even after a year still makes me go “that can’t be right, I need to double check that” every time I see it, hadn’t made a comment about the failed missile test, so I’m just going to have to show you last tweet he made about North Korea’s nuclear program again.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un just stated that the “Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times.” Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 3, 2018

This tweet ages like a fine wine. I never get tired of seeing Donald Trump tweet about how his nuclear is tumescent and rigid, firmly standing guard, and how women always tell him how his button is a good size, and it would probably just hurt if it was any bigger.

Since the failed April launch, which was reported today by The Diplomat, North Korea has successfully launched a few missiles over Japan, but the launch of its Hwasong-15, the missile reportedly able to hit the United States, broke apart faster than a Taylor Swift relationship when it tried to re-enter the atmosphere.

Actually, now I kind of want Taylor Swift to write a song about the North Korean nuclear weapons program. She can call it something like ‘Stop Testing My Heart’ and get all soulful about Kim Jong-un’s rockets being big but not finding their target.