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Emotional Support Peacock Banned from United Flight, Dashing Its Dream of Soaring Through the Air

Guys, I’m really bummed, I don’t know if I can even manage to get through this article today. It’s just… I have to take a trip and the airline isn’t letting me bring my emotional support animal. He’s the sweetest 1,100 pound kodiak brown bear named Pooh and I just don’t think I can fly without him. I even offered to pay for his own seat, but the airline just kept saying something about “safety protocols” and “oh god, a bear is eating my face!” It’s like they’re racist against bears.

Okay, so none of that is actually true, but we’re getting close. The frequent flyer blog Live and Let’s Fly recently detailed the story of a woman who was denied a seat on a United flight for her emotional support peacock. That’s right, not only did she want to bring her pet peacock on the plane with her, she said it was an emotional support animal. Unless that emotion is “glee at making other people miserable,” I’m calling shenanigans.

I need to get inside the head of this woman. You need to fly somewhere, maybe you’re nervous about it. Flying can be scary; sure, statistically it’s safer than driving, but that safety is entirely in someone else’s hands, and you’re in a giant metal tube careening through the sky. So you see a psychologist and they talk you through your anxiety, maybe bring you and a group of other nervous people on a short flight, but it doesn’t help. Because you went to a psychologist instead of psychiatrist, they can’t just write you prescriptions for those plane roofies they give to rich people, so they suggest an emotional support animal to help you stay calm.

What kind of asshole gets a peacock instead of a cat in this situation? Hell, in any situation. Peacocks are well-know jackasses, kind of like geese. My cat crawls in my lap and purrs and rubs his head against my hand for hours, it’s very relaxing. You know what a peacock does? It struts around and shows off and pecks the face of anything it sees as a rival for mating. A peacock is basically the bird equivalent of Liberace if he was a frat bro.

Well, that person is a performance and photographer named Ventiko, and apparently the peacock is her pet.

Oh, and she does have a cat. Bring the cat for emotional support, lady. She’s adorable.

Oh, but the peacock has its own Instagram account. One of the ones that’s written like it’s the peacock talking. And the peacock is passive-aggressively complaining about not being allowed to fly. It seems like bringing the peacock on the plane wasn’t some sort of performance piece, she’s just the sort of insufferable person who would actually claim she needs an emotional support peacock.

Okay, new suggestion. Let this lady and her peacock have a plane all to themselves and crash it into the Swiss Alps.

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