ESC

Hey You. Yeah, You. Stop Playing ‘Fortnite’ Before Your Wife Leaves You

My dad used to have a t-shirt that said “My wife told me if I don’t stop fishing, she’s going to leave me… Gosh, I’m gonna miss her.” One of the central plots of the show Everybody Loves Raymond is that Ray spends so much time playing golf that it has a detrimental effect on his relationship with his wife. But when someone’s hobby is playing video games, our entire society freaks out and the U.N. declares whatever game people are currently playing a public health crisis.

10 years ago, that game was World of Warcraft. Yes, things were dire for couples during the Cataclysm era of WoW, with the Daily Mail reporting that 15% of divorces were caused by “video game addiction.” Now that Fortnite is the new hotness, the number of divorces caused by video games has ballooned to an enormous 5%… wait, 5%? That’s a third of what it was in 2011. And both numbers were produced by the same group, so there probably wouldn’t be any differences in methodology.

Gambling is mentioned in 20% of divorces and Facebook is mentioned in a whopping 1/3 of divorces. A full third of a people are getting divorced for reasons having to do with Facebook. I’m assuming that those reasons mainly involve adding your ex as a friend and then hooking up in a hotel room in the middle of the afternoon the first time you’re both having relationship troubles at the same time.

Look, Fortnite is not the reason you’re going to get divorced. You’re going to get divorced because relationships require work, and you’re not willing to do that work so you’re just playing video games to ignore the problems you don’t want to do the work to fix. Don’t blame the video game, the video game isn’t the reason you can’t give your wife an orgasm, it’s just the thing you do to pretend you don’t hear the sound of her vibrator coming from the bathroom 3 minutes after you gave up trying.

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