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Where in the World Is Fan Bingbing?

Do you know who Fan Bingbing is? If not, shame on you. She’s one of the best actresses in the world, on top of being on the most beautiful women in the world.

Seriously, look at her. She looks like she was carved out of marble by a dead Greek guy.

But China’s most popular actress has been in the spotlight in a bad way recently; she’s been implicated in a scandal that amounts to tax evasion and trying to skirt China’s maximum wage laws. Yeah, maximum wage laws. Probably a good idea, a weirdo sociopath like Elon Musk shouldn’t be allowed to have enough apartheid blood diamond money to build his own freaking space program. But I digress.

Since the scandal began, Fan Bingbing hasn’t been seen in public or on social media since July, prompting people to wonder where the international superstar has gone. The Hollywood Reporter rounded up some of the rumors, including that she’s seeking asylum in Los Angeles. Normally I’d recommend against this with Trump as president, but seeing as how she’s rich, she’d have no problem, although immigration officials would still have to give her a child to be separated from, that’s just blanket policy now.

I thought that in the spirit of wild speculation, I’d take some stabs in the dark at where Fan Bingbing might be.

Filming More Random Scenes To Be Inserted Into Marvel Movies

Remember when Fan was in Iron Man 3? You probably don’t, because she was only in the Chinese version of the film in what amounted to an extended milk commercial where she plays one of the two surgeons who remove the shrapnel in Tony Stark’s chest.

It’s possible Fan is filming more scenes like this to be inserted into other Marvel films. And not even new ones, just old titles that need stock footage added in. She could just run behind Captain America during the Battle for New York in The Avengers while holding a bottle of Coke with the label facing the camera the entire time. It lets Marvel make some more of that sweet product placement money while also giving them more cover to say how diverse their casts are.

A Shoe Store

Women be shoppin’, am I right?

Filming Today’s ‘Where in the World is Matt Lauer’ segments

While all of China is wondering where Fan Bingbing is, no one gives a fuck where Matt Lauer is. This is not great news for NBC’s morning program, because no one wants to watch a travelogue segment with a sex pervert. It’s possible that this is all just a stealth marketing campaign for Today and they’re going to roll out their “Where in the World is Fan Bingbing” segment. People are already curious, but it would be a bit of a letdown when it turns out she’s actually at the Warm River, Idaho county fair to see the world’s largest phallic butter sculpture or whatever.

Here, Having a Threesome with Me and Kristen Stewart

I’ll admit this one is a long-shot, but I really want it to be true.

Jumping Into The Bodies of People in the Past To Correct Anomalies in the Timeline

Oh boy! Fan may be taking part in a top-secret experiment where she can time travel within her own lifetime, driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. Her only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from her own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Fan can see and hear. And so Fan Bingbing finds herself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that her next leap will be the leap home…

She could also be doing Sliders or Fringe, but no one watched those.

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