Ariana Grande Renounces True Love at Age 25

After the fallout of her engagement to Pete Davidson this year, Ariana Grande is certainly not bitter. Not in the least. It’s just that at the ripe old age of 25, Ariana has determined that “true love doesn’t exist.”

In a tweet that has now been deleted, Ariana announced:

“actually…I don’t want no ‘next.’ true love doesn’t exist. hope you’re having a great day!”

I get that being in the entertainment business since you were practically a sperm makes you grow up fast, but Ariana Grande is barely 25-years-old. The average person is usually only just gearing up for their first quarter-life crisis.

Since Ariana’s already rich, famous, and successful, she gets to bypass the usual broodings of the average twenty-something. This generally includes crying over debt, facing a questionable professional future, living on a steady diet of ramen and Kraft’s mac and cheese, and a shitty job with shittier pay and an even shittier boss.

Since Ariana doesn’t have to worry about that crap, she instead leaps to late mid-life crisis mode of a despairing and pessimistic woman who has given up and is ready to get a f**k-ton of pets and a daily gallon of vodka to ease the pain that life has dealt her. Bear in mind, Ariana’s romantic history usually consists of dating relationships that have lasted on three years maximum (and that was from ages 15-18). Then she accepted a proposal mere weeks after dating a guy; an engagement that imploded within months, surprising no one. All of this before the age of 25.

Later on, Ariana rescinded her previous tweet and came back with this:

Romantic that I am, I believe that love exists. And I’m sure that since Ariana Grande is beautiful, successful, and rich as f**k, she will find love again (people like this always do). As a 25-year-old celebrity, she has plenty of time to meet the love of her life, get married, get divorced, meet the next love of her life, and repeat this cycle at least two more times. Hopefully, a snack has given her some perspective.

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4 years ago

Big news: a 20-something girl is deeply upset when she and her boyfriend break up and she cries and mopes around for a while. That must be the first time this has ever happened in the history of the world!