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Patriots Fittingly Win History’s Worst Super Bowl, Capped by Terrible Half Time Show

The Super Bowl. Football’s most important game. The biggest sporting event in the world, aside from dozens and dozens of soccer games but who gives a fuck about soccer and (CTE), this is America. People who don’t even like football tune in because they’re hanging out with friends and they enjoy that The Patriots lose about half the time they get there.

Food was cooked, friends hung out and somewhere in the neighborhood of one in four Americans watched what was, without a doubt, one of the worst Super Bowls in NFL history. Seriously, when the post-game highlights include a really good punt, you know it’s been a long day.

With a score of 3-0 at halftime, Maroon 5 took the stage because no one good wanted to take the gig with Colin Kaepernick being blacklisted by the NFL owners for kneeling during the national anthem to protest police brutality. The highlight of the show was when they played a brief clip of Spongebob Squarepants, because it wasn’t Maroon 5.

Also, the only nipples we got to see belonged to Adam Levine.

Back on the field, The Rams tied up the score at 3-3. Then Burger King aired this ad.

You know what they left out? The part where Worhol is annoyed that there’s no McDonalds, which is what he wanted, so he grudgingly eats the Whopper because he was hungry. You would be too if you did that much Adderall. I’m not making that up by the way.

Oh yeah, the football. The Patriots eventually scored a rushing touchdown to open up a 10-3 lead, and the final score of 13-3 made the game the lowest-scoring affair in Super Bowl history. The over/under on this game was 56, so it was only 40 points under. On the other hand, it’s still better than soccer where the over/under on basically every game is 1.

Oh, did you see the cat that ran onto the soccer pitch? That was more exciting than anything that happened on the field in Atlanta.

That cat scored exactly as many points as Tom Brady did this weekend. Also as many points as Super Bowl MVP Julian Edelman. Seriously, the player who scored the most points in this year’s Super Bowl was the Patriot’s 35-year-old kicker Stephen Gostkowski. That’s old for a (non-kicker) football player, but it’s somewhat mitigated when your senior citizen quarterback goes into the huddle to tell you stories about The Great Depression.

The Patriots have now won 6 Super Bowls, which ties with the Pittsburgh Steelers for most franchise wins. They’re also tied with the Denver Broncos for most Super Bowl losses at 5. One of those two facts probably makes most people very happy.

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