The National Enquirer Allegedly Tried To Blackmail Jeff Bezos With Pictures of His Dong

We’re all going to have to see Jeff Bezos’s dick. I’m as unhappy about it as you are, but we all know it’s coming, right? His dick is out there, the National Inquirer has it, and we’re all going to have to see it because he thought he deserved a vagina upgrade for being the only person in the world to make a bookstore profitable. And if you’re going to get a vagina upgrade, at least make sure it’s an upgrade, Bezos made a lateral move at best. But at least she’s alive. Fucking hell, I still can’t get over those texts, it’s like he let Alexa write them after it developed an emergent consciousness and wanted to know what love was.

Anyway, Bezos has been investigating The National Inquirer on their alleged ties to right-wing politicians, notably Donald Trump, and they’re not happy about it. So they allegedly tried to blackmail him into dropping his investigation with pictures of his weiner. Bezos shared an e-mail with a description of the pictures in a Medium post about the situation.

However, in the interests of expediating this situation, and with The Washington Post poised to publish unsubstantiated rumors of The National Enquirer’s initial report, I wanted to describe to you the photos obtained during our newsgathering.

In addition to the “below the belt selfie — otherwise colloquially known as a ‘d*ck pick’” — The Enquirer obtained a further nine images. These include:

· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.

· Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.

· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.

· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.

· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.

· A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.

That’s the least sexy description of sexting I’ve ever read.

Bezos did the smart thing by not giving in, but seriously, I don’t want to see his dick or is his boring selfies.

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