Let’s All Calm Down, Nobody is Making James Bond a Woman

The big news in Hollywood today is that James Bond has been replaced by a woman! Take that, eight guys on an anonymous Internet forum who hate women, you’ve been pwned. Remember that? Pwned? Remember when that was a thing? From that Community episode?

Yes, social media exploded into a fury of laughing at people who are mad about the news that 007 will be a black woman in the next James Bond film, even though those people probably don’t exist. And James Bond isn’t going to be a woman, he’s still going to be Daniel Craig.

The Daily Mail broke the story that Lashana Lynch will co-star alongside Craig as Agent 007, the designation she took after Bond retired. 

The story begins with Bond retired in Jamaica. But spymaster M – played by Ralph Fiennes – calls him back in desperation to tackle a new global crisis.

A movie insider said: ‘There is a pivotal scene at the start of the film where M says ‘Come in 007’, and in walks Lashana who is black, beautiful and a woman.

‘It’s a popcorn-dropping moment. Bond is still Bond but he’s been replaced as 007 by this stunning woman.

While this is being reported as “they’re making James Bond a woman” all over the Internet, it sounds like Lynch’s character is going to be more like Felix Leiter. And while this is framed as Bond “passing the torch” to the new 007, if you’ve ever seen a movie, any movie at all, you probably realize that Bond will back as 007 by the end of the film.

Still, co-writer Phoebe Waller-Bridge sounds like she has a handle on James Bond.

‘There’s been a lot of talk about whether or not Bond is relevant now because of who he is and the way he treats women.

‘I think that’s bollocks. I think he’s absolutely relevant now. [The franchise] has just got to grow. It has just got to evolve, and the important thing is that the film treats the women properly. He doesn’t have to. He needs to be true to his character.’

See? No lady Bond, no PC Bond, just a script with contributions by a talented woman that sees Bond team up with a strong, competent woman. Who might die. Pretty much every 00 agent in a Bond film other than Bond has been killed, so there’s a way better chance she dies than that she stays 007.