Rest Easy America, Serial Parking Lot Pooper Finally Arrested

This is funny and foul. Massachusetts’ Andrea Grocer, 51, was charged with eight counts of vile defilement against god’s creations. Well, the formal charge was eight counts of wanton destruction of property.

Grocer repeatedly took horrendous shits outside a sporting goods store in Natick, Massachusetts. The manager would always find human s**t outside his store in the morning. That’s when the police started investigating.

“At first, they thought it was an animal but then they noticed toilet paper and other wipes – items animals would not have access to,” [Police spokeswoman Lt. Cara] Rossi said.”

Other wipes? Like wet wipes? Or random paper items. And yes, toilet paper is a good sign that it was a human doing this. If animals have learned to use toilet paper, it’s game over for us. They are too smart.

Video surveillance caught the perp, but not Grocer’s license plate. Because evidently she would drive to this store to take a dump and not do it in her own home like most (ALL??) of us do.

Grocer was caught when police were patrolling the area as she was heading to the store.

“I’m so happy they arrested her,” said Natick Outdoor Store owner Henry Kanner. “I have no idea who she is. This has been ongoing. She has defecated quite often over here. There’s nothing more disgusting coming into your parking lot in the morning and seeing a pile of human excrement.”

I don’t get this woman. Starbucks bathrooms are now open to everyone in this world. I think you can go there, s**t on the walls and smear it on your face and the employees aren’t allowed to say anything. It’s super nice and warm in there too. Why take a s**t in frigid Massachusetts weather? There’s only one answer. This woman is pure alpha.

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