Pornhub Premium, CBS All Access and WWE Network Are All Free for Your Coronavirus Quarantine

As the coronavirus quarantine continues, a lot of people are starting to go stir-crazy. There’s only so many times you can watch The Office on Netflix and sure Seinfeld is on Hulu but then you’d have to subscribe to Hulu and no one wants that. You just need something new to occupy your time with lest you be forced to spend quality time with your family.

Luckily, CBS All Access, WWE Network and Pornhub Premium are offering most or all of their content free for a limited time in order to encourage people to stay home and not be complicit in an apocalypse.

So I did my patriotic duty and checked out all that these services have to offer.

First up is the WWE Network. I’m not a huge pro wrestling fan anymore, but I was into it when I was a kid when the Monday Night Wars were going on. There’s a whole documentary series about that titled The Monday Night Wars, plus plenty of 80s and 90s WCW pay-per-views. Hell, you can watch every WrestleMania ever. I watched Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant’s big match at WrestleMania III and then checked out a match I’d never seen before that featured my two favorite wrestlers, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XXIV.

There’s still something beautiful about watching Ric Flair wrestle. He has a routine and he perfected that routine for 30+ years before this match at 59 years old and he executes it flawlessly. Flair performs almost all of his classic moves and bits (aside from the begging for mercy then punching the other guy in the dick routine) and the old timer even hits a crossbody from the top rope, the signature move of his most famous rival, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat.

If you like pro wrestling or you ever liked pro wrestling and want to feel nostalgic, check out the WWE Network. If it was never your thing, you probably won’t find anything to change your mind. Still, it might be worth it to watch one of the new weekly shows the WWE is currently putting on just to see how weird pro wrestling is on a closed soundstage with no audience.

CBS All Access, on the other hand, is probably the worst paid streaming service. It’s basically a few exclusive shows added to the programming every other major network gives away for free in their apps but for $6 a month, or $10 without commercials. But you can get a month free if you use the code GIFT when you sign up for a free trial.

I can’t really stress enough how little content there is here. Aside from the most recent season of CBS’s current network shows (none of which are very good), there’s a tiny amount of content. There’s a few dozen movies and older TV shows, some of which are even pretty good like Frasier, Taxi, Everybody Hates Chris and Sabrina The Teenage Witch, but that’s it. I listed all the good shows there, aside from Legend of Korra, but they only have half of that.

You basically only want to get CBS All Access if you really, really like Star Trek. They own Star Trek, they have all the Star Trek shows and they’re making two new Star Trek shows as a last-ditch to get you to subscribe to this service. One of them is even good! You may as well use your free month to watch Star Trek: Picard, which launched its final first season episode today, because it is literally the only thing worth watching on this entire service.

Finally, there’s Pornhub Premium, which is letting people sign up for free to help “flatten the curve.” Stay home and jack off. I’m not entirely sold on the benefits of HD porn, though. The human body is disgusting and doesn’t need to be seen in that kind of clarity. For the love of god, pretend you’re filming Cybil Shepherd and smear some Vaseline on the camera lens. Still, premium gives you more variety so if you can’t quite find something to get you off, it could come in handy.