Spelling’s Divorce Spells Drama: Dean McDermott Exits, Tori’s 90210 ‘Reboot’ Begins

When you hear someone say “I’m in a relationship, but …” that means they have an open relationship. And when I say “open,” I mean “chained to the bed.”

For example, let’s just say for pretend, I was married to my wife, and I said “Sorry babe, I just want you out of the house so we can get back together again as soon as this divorce is final and done with, but let me tell you about my new girlfriend Connie because she really turns me on and she trusts me way more than your father does and…” Oh wait, right there. That pretty much sums up how my marriage worked until now.

Anyway, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are calling it quits after 18 years together.

Spelling didn’t give any details about why the marriage broke up other than saying it was amicable which is something people always say when they aren’t. McDermott said it was because “I feel like a fat-assed, small dick, zits on my back, piece of s**t!” Hey, someone stole my Tinder bio! No, that wasn’t the reason for the divorce, but McDermott’s said that before.

The two have survived nearly two decades of a roller-coaster ride they called marriage. In Hollywood years, much like dog years, each year is equivalent to a lot more.

Dean announced their breakup on social media, though he took down the post. Hmm, what’s going on there.

Not that we didn’t see this coming – let’s not forget the time he declared his “out of control” lifestyle and used sex as an “escape”. But hey, aren’t we all “escaping” in some way? Yours might just be a Netflix binge, though.

Where are they gonna get content now? They managed to turn their relationship struggles into a reality TV spectacle – because, of course, nothing says “healing” quite like airing your dirty laundry in public. It’s almost as if they took a page from the Kardashian playbook, but with less glam and more scandal.

Spelling and Dean have promised to continue being loving parents and guide their children through this “difficult time.” Here’s hoping their parenting is more stable than their vows. It’s almost like watching a rerun of “Beverly Hills, 90210” – you already know what’s going to happen, but there’s a morbid fascination in watching it unfold. Again.