Jessica Simpson is a tabloid slut

Jessica Simpson has been linked with two men today. One is a guy who looks like he never made it out of the stone age. I think his name is John Mayer. The other guy is Tony Romo, QB of the Dallas Cowboys. Us has Jessica going out on a date with John Mayer drinking double vodka cranberries and rubbing his back. MSNBC has Jessica’s reps setting up a date with Tony after he was rumored to have a crush on Jessica.

I’m pretty distressed that none of these sites mention me. The rich handsome philanthropist that took Jessica on his Gulfstream to France for a candlelit dinner. Maybe Jess is trying to make me jealous since I told her I’m not a one woman kind of guy. I have so much love to give. That or Jessica is a slut. God, good women are so hard to find these days. Not for me though. Because I’m rich, handsome and giving. They don’t call me the trifecta of pleasure for nothing.

Here’s Jess being coy about our relationship. You can’t see it, but behind that stoic exterior is a burning passion for yours truly.