Coldplay

Things did not go well at a press conference with Chris Martin in Brazil and have caused reporters to give their condolences to wife Gwyneth Paltrow. At the Folha de Sao Paulo junket, Chris became agitated whenever anyone mentioned his significant other. When asked about the possibility of singing a duet with Gwyneth, Chris quipped,

“What’s your favorite sexual position?”

After Paltrow’s name was brought up again, Chris stormed out. At one point, the Coldplay singer criticized the music industry for only caring if songs could be sold as ring tones.

In another interview in Mexico City, Martin characterizes a track on his new album as something people should hear before they die.

“In order for us to get excited about a new album, we have to have one song that we feel like everybody has to hear … before we die, otherwise we’ll be terribly depressed,” Martin said. “So luckily with this new record we’re going to make, we have that one song.”

Chris Martin suffers from a condition 1% of men know all too well. Sand in the vagina. Sand in the vagina manifests itself as child-like tantrums when the center of attention shifts to someone other than one’s self. The treatment, not yet approved by the FDA, is a simple kick to the groin and must be administered without hesitation. Side effects may include tingly testicles, vomiting, nausea, stomach pain, sterility and possibly death. If you or anyone you know suffers from sand in the vagina, please inform them immediately and proceed with treatment. Please do not be angered with Chris Martin’s actions. He just has a sandy vagina.

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