Lindsay Lohan

Lee Weaver, an ex-bodyguard who used to work for Lindsay Lohan, but quit because it was too dangerous, gave an interview with News of the World detailing his clients penchant for drugs, sex and feeling up Mariah Carey. Lee says,

“She had a total death wish and took more drugs and drank more than anyone I’ve met.

“I lost count of the times I thought she was overdosing and had to carry her out of parties. Every morning I’d breathe a sigh of relief she was still alive.”

Lee also describes Lindsay as a coked out Better Business Bureau for illegal narcotics.

“In April she asked me to take her to her dealer in Beverly Hills. I knew if I refused she’d go alone – so I took her.

“He was waiting for her in some bushes. Suddenly she started screaming and punching him for selling her short.

“He pulled a gun. I got out and he threatened to shoot me unless I got her to back off – but she kept hitting him. Luckily he got distracted and I punched him down.

“I dragged Lindsay into the car and drove off but she was screaming at me to go back. It was like Pulp Fiction. I knew then she was just too dangerous to be around.”

If you take anything from this, it would be to not mess with Lindsay Lohan. She’s like a mini-Hulk. Just less green and on drugs and addicted to sex and not as strong or as smart. So… I guess she’s not like a mini-Hulk at all. She’s more like a crackhead with more money and a looser vagina.