Jessica Alba will be mine

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have split after two and a half years together. Us Magazine says the two broke up over the phone. Alba called Warren and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Awesome.

Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out.

Swift like pulling off a band-aid. I know everyone is gunning for Jessica now, but there’s no reason why we can’t all share. I’ll be glad to give you guys my sloppy seconds or sloppy 5,000’s. Don’t worry, you’ll get to have a chance with her eventually. In 2032. Suckers!