Tori Spelling’s child is a primate

Shocking revelations from People! Tori Spelling has admitted to repeated verbal abuse of her child.

“We call him monkey,” Spelling told PEOPLE about her 8-month-old. “We started to call him that when he was little. I was like, ‘Well, you are a little monkey!’ And then it just stuck. He actually responds to the name monkey more than Liam.”

Child protective services have not been made aware. Hopefully, this post will give the authorities adequate notification of this abhorrent celebrity behavior.

Tori continues her despicable remarks:

“He also tries to make everyone laugh. So if he does something and you laugh, he stops and looks at you and then keeps doing it. He totally gets it and it’s really funny!”

Uh huh.. Sounds like Liam the monkey is crying out for help. Those aren’t routines he’s performing. He’s trying to give extraction instructions to anyone who’ll listen. Sadly, they come out as “Goo goo ga ga.. yeek!” Jane Goodall, where are you? Another monkey needs your help! – CS