Lindsay Lohan

In shocking news of the day, Lindsay Lohan has a secret sister. And I don’t mean “sista”. I mean biological sister. Lindsay’s father, Michael, told OK! that while married, but separated, he carried on a relationship with another woman who had a child. This woman convinced Michael that only he could be the father. The girl’s mother, figuring this is the most opportune time to strike, has told Michael to take responsibility (monetarily).

In fact, OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl’s mother where he says that his secret daughter “is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.” He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed “Love Daddy.”

Out there right now is a little Lohan girl who has not been damaged by the combined efforts of Dina and Michael Lohan. It is hard to imagine such a mythical creature. Is she addicted to coke? No? Has she flashed her vagina? No? How many bj’s has she given? None? What? We’re talking about a female Lohan, correct? This is a miracle. Sort of like finding a white gorilla in a field of poo-flinging monkeys. We may have a discovered a normal Lohan! Let us capture and study her.