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Page Six says Johnny Depp was cozying up with his Rum Diary co-star Amber Heard, whatever that means. The two were spotted at the AV Nightclub in LA on Monday where they sat down on a patio that was blocked off just for them. A witness described them being “flirty” and “sat close, conversing the whole time.”

Really? That’s it? If I was Johnny, I’m not sure I could keep my tongue out of her mouth for more than 5 minutes. It’d be like I was mining for gold. And the gold was in her stomach. And my tongue was the pickaxe. And the applause from people around me would be thunderous.