Chris Brown to face sentencing

Chris Brown will be sentenced today for being a douchebag and repeatedly punching, biting, and choking Rihanna while in his fancy ride. Rihanna may as well have been punched by the love bug as she does not feel it necessary to keep him 50 feet away from her. See what I did there, I turned domestic violence into a cute little reference to love and bugs. Now none of us have to face the sad reality of abuse and can focus on simpler things like paper maché hearts and confetti.

Per her lawyer, Donald Etra, “If asked, we will tell the court that all that’s necessary is a level-one order: That Brown not annoy, molest or harass her.”

Rihanna need not worry as it is still legal for me to annoy, molest, and harass her any time she desires. At least until my sentencing next Tuesday.