John Mayer burned the American flag

John Mayer is a douchebag. He could be pulling Haitians from the rubble or saving babies from burning buildings, but you know he’s eventually going to do or say something that brings his karma level back down to “douche”. Anyway, his interview with Rolling Stone is out.

John Mayer on relationships: “All I want to do now is f**k the girls I’ve already fucked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else. Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple of different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there,too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”

John Mayer on Jennifer Aniston: “I’m the asshole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal. I’ve never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life. I have this weird feeling, a pride thing, for the people I’ve had relationships with. What would I be saying to Jen, who I think is fucking fantastic, if I said to her, ‘I don’t dislike you. In fact, I like you extremely well. But I have to back out of this because it doesn’t arc over the horizon. This is not where I see myself for the rest of my life, this is not my ideal destiny.'”

John Mayer on masturbation: “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It¹s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”

John Mayer on being gay: “I don’t care about anything other than energy. That’s why people think, ‘Is he bi? Is he that?’ I’ve never slept with a man. But I get it. I’ve seen pictures of men on the Internet that are sexier than pictures of most women.”

John Mayer is the new Courtney Love. Whatever he says never gets filtered in his brain before it leaves his mouth. Talking to him is like talking to a perverted six-year-old. And did he say he inserts a tampon into his ass? Between you and me, I don’t think that can soak up all the douche.

Also, comparing dumping Aniston to burning the American flag is a little extreme. It’s more like running away from a ticking time bomb before it ends your life with an explosion of ugly Aniston babies.

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14 years ago

omigawd, he’s absolutely hilarious.

14 years ago

Yech. When will this leech go away?