Jessica Alba strips down for GQ UK

Jessica Alba is on the cover of the November issue of GQ UK. She’s hotter than 90% of the female population so women must feel all warm and fuzzy inside when they read about how Jessica hates her post-baby body. She tells GQ, “My breasts are saggy, I’ve got cellulite, my hips are bigger…every actress out there is more beautiful than me. I’ve never been comfortable showing my body off. I used to have anxiety attacks before shoots.”

Aww, poor baby. Let’s all feel sorry for Jessica Alba. She’s just a girl with low self-esteem because she’s so unattractive. I know exactly how she feels. I was the fasted kid in high school but I knew that out there somewhere was a Kenyan who was way faster. I wanted to slit my wrists but didn’t because I was consoled by the fact that the Kenyan couldn’t be nearly as handsome.

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