Teeth-Pulling, “Gummy Woman” Loving Man Is Matching with People Online and You’re Not

Leave it to a white, middle-aged dude to be charged with a crime that will freeze your face with an expression of questioning distaste. New Zealand man, Philip Lyle Hansen, has been convicted of removing teeth from four women’s mouths while having sex with them.

Yup, you read that correctly, in this curious circus act, this unlicensed dental-enthusiast used a screwdriver, pliers, and an oily rag to pull teeth out of his ladies’ mouths mid-coitus. And no, we did not forget to mention anesthetic because this pro didn’t use any!

Hansen, probably struggling to find fitting porn, performed his act out of a love for “fat, gummy women.”

His preliminary victim regaled the court with the biting story of the removal of six of her bottom teeth while boinking in the backseat of Hansen’s car in the early 1990’s.  Yes, six, six teeth with no anesthetic. The logistics are baffling; oh, what women will put up with to be polite.

Another notable woman whom Hansen met online (that’s right, take a moment of sadness for your own barren profile), fascinated the court with their correspondence.

“He asked me if I had false teeth,” she told the court.

“I said, ‘Yes, was that a problem?’ ”

The woman said Hansen reassured her that it was not.

“He said he liked gummy women and that he’d rather I didn’t have teeth, that I was far more beautiful without them,” she said.

He even testified that her toothless mouth threw him into thoughts of marriage. What it takes a guy to get him to commit, ya know?

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