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If You Like Putting Expensive Things in Your Ass, You’ll Love Gwyneth Paltrow’s Sex Toy Recs

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want sex tips from a lifestyle site called Goop.

Though I am interested in Gwyneth Paltrow’s organic yam lube, which sounds like it would be a great Thanksgiving side dish.

Regardless, we have them. Here are the most expensive things on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle site Goop‘s list of “Not So Basic Sex Toys.”

Black and Gold Cat Whip From Agent Provocateur

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Good news peasants, this fucking whip will only set you back $535 dollars. Maybe I am just a simple woman who doesn’t need to be slapped across the ass with a student loan payment to get my rocks off, but I’m not exactly gagging to get my hands on one of these. Hands are free, my friends.

Droplet Necklace From Kiki De Montparnasse

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This necklace turns into nipple clamps, but even though it’s got some dual purpose future shit going on, I would not shell out almost $400 for it.

If clothespins were good enough for Wendy O. Williams, than they’re good enough for me.

Duet 8GB Lux From Lovecrave

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The clit stimulator/USB drive has 24 karat gold plating and starts at $219, but the more data storage you want the more you have to shell out. Who the fuck is gonna back up their computer on their vibrator? Shit like this is why Rome fell.

Tiani 24k Remote Controlled Vibrator

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This “24 karat gold kissed” $399 massager comes in Hot Cerise, Obsidian Black, Deep Rose, and Cum Stain. Ok, so the last one isn’t real. This thing has a dual motor design, and for almost $400, it better also do your taxes and perform exorcisms.

Literally Just A 24 Karat Gold Dildo

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I hate rich people.

Thanks for the tips, Gwyn. Considering I make “jerk off into a sock” money, I can’t wait to forget all of them.

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