Highway Stained Red With Frozen Pizzas and Broken Dreams

Welp, my weekend is ruined. I was going to run to the store, grab a cold six and a frozen pizza and watch Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 starring my boy Chris Pratt. But just outside Little Rock, Arkansas, a semi-trailer truck overturned, doing to a shipment of frozen pizza what Anna Faris did to Chris Pratt’s heart.

According to the Associated Press:

An 18-wheeler containing DiGiorno and Tombstone frozen pizzas scraped a bridge support and sliced open its trailer Wednesday, spilling them across Interstate 30 in front of the Arkansas Department of Transportation office. Agency spokesman Danny Straessle said the bridge had only cosmetic damage.

I-30 was closed for a time in both directions while crews picked up the DiGiorno and Tombstone brand pies. The highway, which goes around the south side of Little Rock, is part a major link that connects Dallas and points west to Memphis, Tennessee, and points north and east.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with this, honestly. No people were hurt in the accident, but all those poor pizzas who never hurt anyone never even got the chance to be some stoned college student’s midnight snack. Chef Boyardee was unavailable for comment because he’s been dead for thirty years, so the bad news in this story just keeps piling up for me. At this rate I’m going to have to have Domino’s delivered, and when Domino’s pizza touches your lips, you may as well just end it all because you’ve clearly stopped caring.

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