Steven Seagal Has His Own Cryptocurrency, In Case You Needed More Proof Bitcoin Is a Bad Idea

Cryptocurrency, fake digital play money that causes gigantic networks of computers to suck up all the electricity in the grid and hasten global warming, is having a bit of a moment. After Bitcoin hit a high of almost $20,000 real American dollars per 1 pretend internet coin, it plummeted to $7,000, still a lot of money for nothing, and is now in the middle of a dead cat bounce that has seen it go back up to $11,000. Also, I still can’t buy a new GPU for my computer because you assholes are buying stacks of graphics cards to mine this crap with, so, you know, thanks again.

Crazy libertarians who want a decentralized electronic currency that will somehow still work when they go off the grid and live in weird Ayn Rand communes like John Galt aren’t the only people interested in cryptocurrencies, though. Sex pest and Russian friend-haver Steven Seagal, who was also apparently some kind of actor at one point, is the ambassador for the not-at-all scammy sounding “Bitcoiin2Gen” cryptocurrency.

Like many legitimate businesses that are not at all scams, Bitcoiin2Gen is located in Hong Kong and wrote its press release in broken English. “Hey Joe, me blockchain you long time” is a marketing strategy I can get behind. Another not-at-all red flag is that the announcement of this bootlegcoin almost exclusively blows smoke up Seagal’s ass and doesn’t mention why I want to buy their cryptocurrency other than everyone else has one so why shouldn’t I?

Steven Seagal is a man of diverse character whose spiritual beliefs and humanity are woven into every aspect of his life. Most of us know Steven for his roles as an action hero, Call it an obsession or a calling but Steven mastered Martial Arts at an early age, becoming a 7th-degree black belt and Aikido master. His films include box office successes such as Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice, Above the Law, Under Siege, Executive Decision, The Glimmer Man, and Exit Wounds to name a few, are all loved for their storylines and fast-paced Hollywood action.

“Hey, Bitcoiin2Gen, I have a question, why should I buy your fake internet coins instead of an established brand of fake internet coin?”

“We’re glad you asked. Remember the movie Above the Law?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with-”

“Shhhh, we’ve answered your question. Zen Buddhism. Action movies. Blockchain. Can we have your money now?”

Man, this whole thing is weird. I guess they figured that having Steven Seagal endorse their thing would make it seem legitimate, but how much does it cost to get Steven Seagal to put his name on something? You could probably get him to send a tweet for you in exchange for a a box of donuts. And judging by the looks of him the donuts wouldn’t make it to the end of the tweet.

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