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Pornhub Is Adding Subtitles to Porn

Pornhub has started adding subtitles to popular videos for deaf and hearing-impaired viewers, as well as husbands who have to mute their iPad in the bathroom so their wives don’t figure out they’re sneaking in a pre-work wank because their penis hasn’t been touched since the Bush administration, but they have kids and want to stay together until they finish college so they can concentrate on their studies.

Personally, I think it’s great. There are deaf guys all over the world finding out for the first time that she’s having sex with a pizza guy because she didn’t have enough money to pay for the food she ordered. Or that she’s having sex with the cabby because she forgot her purse and couldn’t pay for the ride she took. Or that she’s having sex with the plumber because she didn’t have the money to pay him for snaking her drain. Or that… You know what, porn has one plot and five or six sets and costumes they mix and match. You’re really not missing much in the way of plot here, it’s not Game of Thrones.

Obviously I decided to give the closed captioning a try, so I picked a video at random, and by random I mean I picked the one on the first page with the hottest looking girl, and watched it. I have to tell you, I feel like I’m being punked. Pornhub’s press release said that “Each video will display descriptive and interpretive text aimed to help improve the experience for users who are not able to hear the video’s original audio. This includes helping to distinguish between different people talking and emotional changes in their voice or non-vocal audio that’s relevant to the storyline,”

What actually happened is the first subtitle popped up at 71 seconds into the video and read “Ahh.” The word “Ahh” popped on and off the screen for a minute until the next subtitle, “[Moaning]” came up. Seriously. Later subtitled lines included “[Panting]” and “Yeah, yeah, yes, yes.”

Basically, no one was really missing anything by not knowing what the people in porn movies were saying. I think that instead of subtitles they should have added intertitle cards the way silent movies used to. It would have had a bigger impact.

The press release went on to describe the perceived need for this subtle service.

“Here at Pornhub, it’s important that we continue to service all of our users’ needs and make content accessible to every individual,” said Corey Price, VP, Pornhub. “By integrating our new Closed Captioning category, we are now able to render some of our most popular adult content more enjoyable for our users who are hearing impaired. We encourage them to check out our newest category and provide feedback, which is especially important as we seek to continue to offer content with the differently-abled user in mind.”

I’m glad that Pornhub is taking the initiative in making whacking it better for everyone. I think it’s excellent that deaf masturbators will now know if the woman getting railed bareback by a guy with a cock the size of a baby’s arm was moaning, groaning or panting. It can only make the world a better place.

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