The Bad, The Dumb, and The Ugly: The 2018 GOOP Holiday Gift Guide

Guys. Guys. It’s finally here. It’s that special time of the year that we’ve all been waiting for. Which time is that you ask? You mean the glorious Holiday Season? Well yes, I would say, as I slosh around my glass of cabernet. But it’s more than that. GOOP has just released it’s Holiday Gift Guide for 2018! Are you excited?? I know I am (because I might be drunk)!

GOOP is Gwyneth Paltrow’s obnoxious lifestyle brand that peddles expensive, worthless crap. They come out with a gift list every holiday season so you can decide what useless s**t to give people on your list and spend a fuckton of money doing it. Here is just a sample of some of the dumbest crap GOOP is hawking this year. I had to narrow it down significantly because if I go through every single item in the guide, we’ll be here all night. And you’re going to want to punch me in my wine-drunk face before we’re even halfway through it.

Gaudy Socks for Dad

Can’t figure out what to get the man in your life? Why not get him socks? But socks are boring, you say! Well, not when you pay $250 for these garish looking socks! Hahaha, for that price they can’t possibly be dull! I know my dad would love to receive bright orange and yellow socks that he’ll only wear if his normal socks are destroyed in a freak fire!


Puzzles are a fun activity for the whole family! Just imagine having a cozy night in while piecing together this….vagina? Yeah, it says it’s a geode, but c’mon that definitely looks like a fucking vagina. Well, you and the kids can have a whole evening of fun putting together female genetalia for a mere $95!

A Most Fruitful Lamp

This is the lamp that makes the leg lamp from A Christmas Story look tasteful. The Banana Lamp fell under the “Ridiculous, But Awsome” category of the gift guide. This is definitely ridiculous but not at all awesome; it’s just ugly. For $340, you can flip this on in the middle of the night, and you’ll have a bright, glowing penis in your living room.

Scary Sea Monster Gloves

These webbed gloves will make you look like the Creature from The Black Lagoon, but they’re supposed to help you swim really fast! Let’s face it, though, anyone who spends $30 on these gloves probably wants to use them for a Shape of Water role play bedroom game.

Deadly Hot Air Balloon Expedition

Do you or someone on your gift list dream of undertaking an expedition to Mount Everest? Look no further, because for $5,950, you can take a hot air balloon and die on Mount Everest’s summit! The only possible way you’ll get any closer to death on this notoriously dangerous mountains if you decide to walk it. This seems more like an expensive and elaborate way to try to permanently get rid of someone you hate.

Now that you’ve had a taste of what GOOP has to offer, feel free to check out their other horrendous and hideous products! Feel free to mock and ridicule with abandon. But if you buy anything, tell GOOP I sent you, and that they owe me at least 15 percent of the sale.

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