To Compete With United, Delta Is Just Covering Passengers in S**t on Flights

There’s pretty much no end to the indignities suffered by airplane passengers these days. If security guards aren’t dragging you off of the flight that you paid to be on because they oversold it, they’re stuffing your pets into overhead bins and killing them. And that’s just United.

It turns out Delta wants in on the act of shitting all over passengers, and as USA Today reports, they’ve kicked it off by literally shitting all over a passenger.

Bay City resident Matthew Meehan had already sat down on his flight from Atlanta to Miami on Nov. 1 when he realized that feces was all over his seat and the surrounding floor, he told news outlets.

“I was literally in it,” he said.

How big of a mess was this plane that someone could sit down without realizing their seat was covered in s**t? I’ve missed a lot things in my life, mostly when someone is flirting with me, but I’ve never sat down and thought “Hey, wait a second, is this seat covered in s**t?

Here’s where the story takes a turn. The flight crew didn’t care that a passenger was covered in s**t on their airplane.

Meehan said he asked flight attendants for help cleaning up, but they only provided two paper towels and a small bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin.

He cleaned himself and the seat as best he could. When he spoke to a manager, he said, she was dismissive and asked what his problem was.

There’s really only one correct answer when you’re covered in s**t and one the people responsible asks you what your problem is. “You’re right, I’m sorry for getting so worked up. Here, let me give you a make-up hug to show there’s no hard feelings.”

He and his fellow passengers laid a blanket down on their seats for the remainder of the flight. Upon arrival, the aircraft was taken out of service to be cleaned and disinfected.

According to Delta, an ill service animal was aboard the previous flight. Meehan was offered a full refund and additional compensation.

I would rather fly Bob Denver Air than with any major airline at this point, honestly.