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Christmas Toys for 2018 Are Absolute Shit

If you thought “Yellies!” were nightmare-inducing toys, just get a load of the other disgusting toys featured this holiday season. I’m not kidding. There is a common theme to 2018’s children’s toys and it’s shit. Honest to God, actual poop. For reasons I can’t understand, the toy industry has decided to embrace excrement this holiday season. Because that’s what parents want: mess, shit, and more to clean up after! After all, small children are known for their cleanliness, and certainly not for leaving disgusting chaos in their wake. Here are just a few of the toys to avoid this holiday season if you want to keep your sanity!

1. Baby Alive is just like a real baby…it will piss and shit all over you

What does it say about our current society that we give little girls dolls that act like actual babies? Baby Alive not only eats, drinks, and coos, but it also cries, poops, and wets. They even come with extra diapers for those diaper changes. Gotta get these little kids ready for parenthood! I mean, they’re already five years old!

My guess is that these dolls (especially given how creepy they look; seriously, they look like overgrown baby Bratz Dolls) will eventually end up buried in the closet next to Furby when the constant shitting and pissing becomes annoying, The pooping these dolls do is pretty tame by most standards, which means that these children are bound to be traumatized when they eventually encounter a real diaper change. And then realize they can’t shove a real baby into a dark closet when they don’t want to deal with their messes anymore.

2. Poopsie the Shitting Sparkly Unicorn

This may be the toy that will end your child’s pleadings for a pony or unicorn. This is arguably worse than “Baby Alive.” I don’t even understand WHY a pooping unicorn would be so appealing to children. Yeah, I had a toy unicorn once, and you know what it did? Nothing. And that was fine. I could play with her and she could sit on my bed being all noble and magical, and it didn’t involve me cleaning up her glittery shit. Poopsie Slime Suprise  is a toy unicorn that looks like a baby (comes with diapers and everything), and after she drinks from her bottle, she poops out glittery slime in her sparkly toilet. I don’t care how much glitter and sparkle you try to put into this, it’s a goddamn unicorn with diarrhea. It doesn’t matter how pretty you try to make it. Shit is still shit, and it’s gross.

3.  Don’t Step in the Shit

The game “Don’t Step In It” involves trying to avoid stepping in actual poop. Fine, it’s not technically real poop (it’s clay), but it’s the general concept. You’re supposed to walk blindfolded and barefoot and try to side-step the poop. Maybe I’m just a curmudgeon who doesn’t get it, but how are kids this intrigued by a game that involves stepping in dog shit? And barefoot? Why would you be out barefoot in this scenario? This isn’t the Laura Ingalls Wilder pioneer days, there is way too much crap (literal and metaphorical) these days that could cause some serious damage if you walk around without any protection on your feet. And yeah, parents, enjoy stepping in fake shit when your kids then decided to play “let’s throw shit at each other” with the clay poop from the game.

4. Stink Bomz Will Fill Your House with Noxious Odors

Have you ever wanted to know what a fart looks like? No, of course you haven’t! No one has! But that did not stop the company TOMY from making plush farts for children everywhere! Each of these collectibles come with their own farting sounds and their own unique stenches. Because that’s what parents want! More weird smells in the house whenever they try to have guests over. These will surely guarantee that your friends will promptly throw up and never visit you again.

5.  Flush Force Lets Kids Play with Gross Toilet Creatures

Flush Force contradicts everything we were taught as toddlers regarding the toilet. Don’t play with the flusher, don’t throw things in the toilet, and definitely don’t touch anything in the toilet. This toy just throws all those mandated bathroom laws out the window! You fill this tiny disgusting toilet with water and then peel it back to see what horrifically gross shit has mutated in there. According to the website, “If the water turns green you have a Clogger! If the water turns purple, you have a super rare Unflushable!” Bonus: The toilet also makes nasty farting and flushing sounds, too. Everything parents want to hear after a long, hard day at work!

I don’t know how or why shit-based toys have become so popular. Has there really been such a high demand for these toys? Have the toy companies received messages from children demanding “We want more poop!”? None of this makes sense. So, folks, if you need to buy presents for children this year, I would stay away from this disgusting crap. Unless, of course, you’re seeking a twisted way to exact vengeance on someone you hate who has kids. In that case, go forth, and purchase all the shit toys for the respective children. I’m sure their parents will be so grateful to you.

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