Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Made Yoga Popular

I should add “Offical Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP Commentator” to my list of titles and applicable skills. If anyone else is looking to pay someone who can relentlessly mock the pretentious Gwyneth Paltrow and her unctuous brand, GOOP, feel free to get in touch. I have plenty of experience in this area.

This week in Gwyneth Paltrow news, Gwyneth now deems herself the reason for yoga’s existence in the Western world. Here what she had to say in her interview with WSJ Magazine:

“I remember when I started doing yoga, and people were like, ‘What is yoga? She’s a witch. She’s a freak.’ ’’

Really, Gwyneth? People thought you were a witch? I call bullshit. Lady, you were doing a bunch of fancy stretching. There’s literally nothing witchy about doing exercise. Unless the yoga classes you were attending involved performing a ceremonial war dance and ritualistic goat sacrifice to Satan. Then I could see where people might think you were a freak (well, a different kind of freak then you are now.).

And the interview only gets more appalling.

“Forgive me if this comes out wrong, I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently, and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ And literally I turned to my friend, and I was like, ‘You have this job because I’ve done yoga before.’ ”

I had to go vomit up my lunch when I read this. What a massive fucking twat. No, Gwyneth, I don’t think this came out wrong at all. I think it reflects exactly the type of person you are: a puffed up, narcissistic, egotistical asshole.

I can only feel sorry for that poor girl at the yoga studio whom you smugly insulted for the offense of doing her damn job. All exercise studios ask new people whether they’ve done for this before. They’re supposed to do that. And not just so they can be helpful to the newbies, but also for liability purposes. So, what, were you offended that this girl didn’t fall to her knees in awe of you to thank you for providing her with a job as the inventor of  yoga?

You didn’t start the yoga trend in the west, Gwyneth. A man named Swami Vivekananda got ahead of you and introduced yoga to the U.S. in the late 1800s. True, it didn’t take off right away, but yoga definitely gained traction and attention in the 1960s. You were born in fucking 1972. I find it hard to believe that you managed to start yoga as a pre-fetus, you self-absorbed taint.

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5 years ago

Bruce Paltrow was my fraternity brother at Tulane. I’m still convinced he died of shame.