Fun fact: breasts are for more than just grabbing onto clumsily during foreplay. I know, it’s shocking, but you can actually use them to feed a human infant. If you’re a weirdo, you can use them to feed a human toddler, too. You can also use them as squirt guns when your partner doesn’t want to get up in the middle of the night but you pushed the damn thing out your bajingo so the least they can do is change its fucking diaper one time. But I digress.
You can also pump the milk out of them so the baby can eat on its own schedule, because it obviously doesn’t give a s**t that you have things to do because children are dangerous sociopaths. This is a thing Rachel McAdams recently did during a photo shoot that I believe was intended to show how attractive a new mother can look after only 8 hours in a chair with a professional make-up artist, a bespoke designer wardrobe, a necklace worth more than the per capita GDP of Qatar and some industrial-strength spanx.
Her photographer, Claire Rothstein, snapped the above picture during their shoot, which is by far the best anyone has ever looked while being milked like a cow on an industrial dairy farm. Yes, yes, breastfeeding is natural and wonderful and let’s all walk around without shoes on like hookworms don’t exist so we can feel the Earth’s energy move through us, I get it.
I actually don’t have a problem with breastfeeding, it is natural and normal. It’s also been natural and normal since before humans evolved into humans, so let’s not pat ourselves on the back and talk about how brave we are for doing something literally every mammal does just because we’re doing it in Prada.