Gwyneth Paltrow Is Leaving Marvel, So Black Widow and Scarlet Witch Will Have to Find a New Source for Rocks to Put Up Their Vaginas

Marvel / Avengers

Gwyneth Paltrow is a busy woman these days: she’s bringing Goop to Netflix, she’s taking credit for inventing yoga and being an idol to all the single 45-year-old women who spend their days drinking wine by the bottle talking about how they wish Hillary Clinton was in their YA fiction book club. So she’s much too busy to make fistfulls of money by being in anymore Marvel movies just because everyone in the world watches them and no one will shut up about them.

Yes, Gwyneth told Variety that Avengers: Endgame is the last movie for her and her character Pepper Potts.

“I mean, I’m a bit old to be in a suit and all that at this point,” Paltrow, 46, told Variety in this week’s cover story. “I feel very lucky that I did it, because I actually got talked into it. I was friend with [‘Iron Man’ director] Jon Favreau. It was such a wonderful experience making the first ‘Iron Man’ and then to watch how important it has become to fans.”

Although she doesn’t see herself committing to any more sequels, Paltrow left open the possibility that she could make a cameo — or appear in flashbacks — down the line. “I feel honored to be a part of something that people are so passionate about,” she said. “Of course, if they said, ‘Can you come back for a day?,’ I will always be there if they need me.”

Oh man, it’s so nice of her to be available to the company that owns half of all entertainment if they want to put her in a film that’s going to make a billion dollars. For the record, Marvel, I am also available if you need me, and I’ve never put a jade egg inside any part of me.

There are a few things this could mean. The most obvious is nothing; Paltrow hasn’t really been around in the Marvel movies since they removed basically every romantic element from them in favor of more action-comedy. Natalie Portman isn’t around anymore either. The second and less likely explanation is that Iron Man isn’t going to be around much anyway. Disney buying Fox means that they have most of Marvel’s A-List characters back. The Fantastic Four, The X-Men, The Hulk and agreement to use Spider-Man… they don’t really need Iron Man anymore, and they certainly don’t need Pepper Potts if Iron Man isn’t around. They could also just recast her, they’ve already recast two major characters and the plan has always been to recast rather retire characters.

And if you miss Gwyneth Paltrow, just remember, she’s there with when you get your vagina steamed or you don’t get your kids vaccinated.

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