The Bad Guys Won: The Blemish’s Oscar Wrap-Up

You guys, Twitter was lit tonight. You should have seen all the people mad about Bohemian Rhapsody and Green Book winning Oscars. In fact, here, take a look.

Yes, the big winners of the night were the long-accused kiddie fiddler and the dude who said Muslims were celebrating 9-11. Bohemian Rhapsody picked up a bunch of awards that were going to be presented during commercial breaks and no one said the name Bryan Singer, not even Rami Malek, who spent months re-learning how to talk after having those giant fake Freddie Mercury teeth removed.

If only someone could have seen this coming. I should have gone with my gut on Olivia Coleman and if I’d have seen Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse before last night I would have definitely picked that, I didn’t know it had such an off-the-wall art style, but other than that, I did pretty well. If there’s one thing everyone should know by now, it’s that Academy voters love movies about white people who aren’t racist in places where all the other white people are racist and they love straight actors playing queer characters. Remember when Crash won Best Picture and it wasn’t the awesome Cronenberg film about people jacking off to car crashes?

Black Panther winning Best Who Cares, Best I Don’t Even Know What That Means and Best ‘Siri, What Does a Production Designer Do’ represents the first time Marvel Studios has ever won an Oscar.

The big winner of the night was, of course, Green Book, a movie about how someone from The Sopranos was nice to a black person once. It’s really started a discussion on how we portray race relations in film that no one with an Oscar ballot will spend even a second thinking about before they give next year’s statue to Crocodile Dundee 4, which will be all about Paul Hogan saving a young Aboriginal child from being eaten by dingos while they learn they’re really not so different.

A lot of people seemed genuinely surprised that Black Panther didn’t win Best Picture, because those people haven’t been paying attention. I haven’t seen Green Book, but I have a feeling it didn’t completely fall apart in the third act the way Black Panther did, just for starters. But there’s no way a comic book movie is going to win Best Picture. No Western won Best Picture between 1930 and 1990, because Hollywood doesn’t reward genre films until the genre is dead and someone does a revival that bookends it like Clint Eastwood did with Unforgiven. Or, you know, someone does a movie in that genre that’s an hour too long and everyone learns that white people and non-white people aren’t really so different. So maybe Black Panther did have a chance to win, after all.

But seriously, if Black Panther had won Best Picture that would be the only thing I talked about in this recap, and it would end with a video of me literally eating my hat.

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