Justin Bieber is ‘Stepping Away’ From Music, Becoming Full-Time Dipshit

In news that will be welcomed by the entire hearing public, Justin Bieber is stepping away from music. He simply doesn’t have time to make music and sleep in one of those weird hyperbaric tubes. Seriously, his wife posted this on his Instagram story recently.

You know what that thing is for? It’s for not getting the bends after diving and for helping wounds heal if you have radiation poisoning. It’s not a cure for Justin Bieber’s acute case of asshole. He also made this Instagram post announcing his hiatus.

Did you catch the part where he says he wants to “be the father I want to be”? What’s that about? Oh god, it’s spreading, isn’t it? There’s about to be another one isn’t there? Maybe we’ll get lucky here an Bieber will pull a reverse Eric Clapton and fall out a window while his kid is doing coke.