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Burger King is Offering Depressed Meals for People Too Sad For Happy Meals

Brands are not your friends. They’re not looking out for you, they don’t want to know how you’re doing and they’re absolutely not fighting for your civil rights. The only right brands care about is your right to give them your money.

But they really want you to think they care. They want you to think they’re very concerned with your mental health or who can marry who, but they’re not. They’re concerned with separating you from your paycheck.

Take, for example, Burger King’s latest promotion:

Feel your way. See, we care. The brand even asked how we feel. They care!

What the fuck even is this? Now I need one of those depressed meals just from seeing this tweet. That’s what you call vertical integration.

Did this make anyone want a hamburger? I kind of want chicken nuggets, but I always want chicken nuggets. Are you scheduling a visit with a mental health professional because of a hamburger commercial? Why can’t you get chicken nuggets in your Crushing-Loneliness-and-Despair Meal?

Yeah, it’s just a Whopper combo meal in a new box. It doesn’t even come with a toy, like a stress ball or a vibrator, which you’d think would be a natural fit for the My Husband Can’t Give Me an Orgasm Meal.

I blame Chick-Fil-A for all of this. All of the boycotting and buycotting made corporations decided that if they could figure out where the public was on social issues and pretend to care about them that they could be in the news and way more people would buy their product because of it then boycott it. It’s brilliant, if you think about it, but also totally evil. That’s why you see brands like Burger King chiming in on social issues but only the ones with wide popular support.

But if you’ll excuse me, I’m highly impressionable and I have to go to Burger King and get a Tired Of Brands Using Performative Wokeness To Sell Hamburgers Meal.

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