Cardi B Wins! Nicki Minaj Announces Retirement

In a big win for God, America, Mom and Apple Pie, Cardi B has vanquished her greatest foe, Nicki Minaj. Minaji announced on social media that she’s retiring from music to have a family.

I’ve decided to retire & have my family. I know you guys are happy now. To my fans, keep reppin me, do it til da death of me, ❌ in the box- cuz ain’t nobody checkin me. ✅ Love you for LIFE 😘♥️🦄

I mean, good for her, I’d probably retire if I knew Cardi was coming for me, too.

Since Minaj hasn’t issued any further statements, all we can do is speculate wildly, and my speculation is just as likely to be true as anyone else’s. I mean, I knew Savatar was Evil Barry pretty early on in season 3 of The Flash, so I’m basically psychic.

I wouldn’t mess with Cardi if I were Nicki, either. Cardi is about to put four little ten-year-old bitches through a wall, so you know she’ll come for you.

I know things didn’t go well for Cardi B the last time they mixed it up, but things have changed since then. I have it on good authority Cardi B has been putting the hours to make sure she comes out ahead next time. Just look at this secret training footage.

Also, Nicki Minaj gives shout-outs to Margaret Thatcher while Cardi B loves Bernie Sanders. Who are you going to root for? It’s kind of a no-brainer.