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Jessica Simpson’s pants can’t contain her

Jessica Simpson @ Madison Square Garden

At Thursday’s performance in Madison Square Garden, Jessica Simpson admitted to fans that on a few occasions, she’s split her pants straight down the middle when she “bent down to reach a note.” Simpson, laughing, continued, “That’s why I’m wearing a skort — not a skirt, not a short — just so they wouldn’t split.”

By note, she probably meant she saw a Jolly Rancher on the ground. Can’t let those go to waste. Especially the watermelon ones. Jessica ended her night on a high note as she managed not to split her skort or suffer a near nervous breakdown during her 35-minute set. Because when you’re Jessica Simpson, that’s considered a good day. A great day would be if she got those damned jelly bean filled donuts she ordered. What do you mean they don’t exist?! Make them exist.

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capt. cornhole

Several times a day my pants can’t contain me. Usually if I stop in the men’s room and wax the bishop, things are all better.

Capt. Cornhole Jr.
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She needs more semen in her diet

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