Lindsay Lohan might have another sex tape

Back in March of 2008, a purported still from a Lindsay Lohan sex tape in which she was going down on a guy was discovered on the web. Everybody believed it because, hey, it was Lindsay Lohan. Her not having a sex tape was like a fish not wanting to live in water. However, it was later proven to be fake.

In August of 2009, Lindsay’s home was broken into and the contents of her safe were stolen prompting people to suggest that the criminals got their hands on a real sex tape. Nothing came of it. Until now. Could these new rumors of Lindsay participating in a “particular sex act” have anything to do with the break-in? I don’t know. What do I look like? A detective? The Mirror says:

This video file is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors.

“Lindsay was desperate to start 2010 off on a good footing and this is the very last thing she needs.

“If and when it is released on the internet, via a spurious, unofficial website, there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it.”

“She is devastated – particularly as she is working hard on cleaning up her act. Lindsay has just made a serious documentary on child poverty in India for the BBC, she is terrified this will be put in jeopardy now. It is fair to say that Lindsay has had a pretty torrid past 24 hours.”

The tape is said to have already been shopped around to Hustler for $160,000, but was turned down due to copyright issues. Since no company will be able to profit off it for that very reason, the waiter selling the tape has been advised to release it to an “offshore porn site”. Once there, it can be downloaded by everyone in the world.

Lindsay’s probably doing flips through her apartment. I know the source says she’s “devastated”, but it’s probably a different kind of devastation. A celebrity devastation. The same kind of devastation Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian had to suffer through as they sat in their mansions wiping away their sorrow with stacks of $100 bills made from the sale of the tape. I can hear it now. Lindsay, choking back tears, sobbing, “I’m relevant again.”