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How North Korea Plans to Ruin One Kid’s Life Over a Stupid Prank

In the United States, you can fuck up your entire life at 21 by getting belligerent, getting into your car and committing vehicular homicide. If you’re an affluent white boy, that might not even get you more than probation.

In the Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea), you can fuck up your entire life by drunkenly stealing a political slogan sign from the lawn of a hotel. One University of Virginia undergrad, Otto Frederick Warmbier–who I guess thought North Korea was a nice place for spring break–will now spend the next fifteen years of his life in a North Korean labor camp for doing exactly that. He’s been found guilty of his crime against the North Korean people and his mighty Supreme Leader, but what’s more bizarre than his ridiculous sentencing is his taped 40-minute confession, detailing his preparation for the heinous crime. In the blatantly rehearsed fashion of a high school student forced to give a foreign language presentation despite not actually having absorbed any of his six years of French, Warmbier confesses to a careful premeditation. The entire video is absolutely off the walls insane, but it gets crazy at about the halfway point when Warmbier starts to discuss how he chose his outfit for the crime:

I intentionally packed my quietest boots that I knew I would use during crime commitment.

Each sentence is carefully scripted. Mapped. And charted as if one fumble and a sniper in the back of the room will take him out without a second thought. You must watch the video for yourself to see that North Korea in 2016 is just as ridiculous and just as terrifying as its ever been. My motto: Don’t go to North Korea. Can’t get in trouble if you’re not ever there, right? Right? Right?

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Prince Phillip Anon Harris
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Prince Phillip Anon Harris

lOl! I know all about having your life ruined by the United States of America. Both parents murdered, a Jewish dude name Gilberg who served in the U.S. Army with my Dad, claimed to be my father’s best friend, was made Trustee of my family’s Multi-billion dollar Estate, and now I’ve got a hit out on me, without a dime. While the Jewish Gilberg family buys lavish property and entertain themselves in my name through identity theft.

Prince Phillip Anon Harris
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Prince Phillip Anon Harris

By the way, America calls North Korea, America’s enemy, so why was he in North Korea, friend or foe @seriously a dumb move, as an enemy of Korea he should have been killed, but he wasn’t. So who’s lying.

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