Gwyneth Paltrow Knows Buzzwords Now

In an essay for LinkedIn titled, “I walked away from a career where people kissed my ass — and I couldn’t be happier about it”, Gwyneth Paltrow talks about leaving the Hollywood life to start the lifestyle brand goop which caters to the 1% who only bleach their assholes with cruelty-free, crystal-infused vegan cream ($100/oz). Fun fact: If you were one of the people kissing Paltrow’s ass, it probably tasted like a protein rich kale smoothie.

Paltrow pays herself a lot of lip service, saying she was the first actresses to become a founder. She writes, “And I’m not sure it’s even empirically true, but I was credited with being the first actress of my stature to, well, become a founder, an entrepreneur. At least in the digital space, I suppose I was the first.”

Not only has she traded lifestyles, but she’s also picked up some buzzwords:

“I (basically) walked away from a career where people kissed my ass to being grilled by a VC or my board. I used to worry about myself and myself alone, and now I am responsible for the livelihoods of 50+ people. These days I spend every waking hour trying to execute on a strategy I created with my team to make goop the number one global lifestyle brand (a girl can dream), while trying to get us to profitability before my series B runs out. All while being as professionally fulfilled and happy as I have ever been in my life. More so.”

But what’s your burn rate, Gwyneth? How much runway do you have? Do you really think you’re a market fit? Maybe it’s time to pivot.

If you haven’t put your face in your palms and sighed heavily yet, maybe this will put you over the edge.

“And my overarching lessons? The punk rock kid in me is essential to my decision making, but she needs to be tamed and she definitely needs to think before she speaks. Culture is everything. Hiring is everything. Thick skin is essential. Self-belief is paramount. And very importantly, even though the world thought I had left goop for a minute when my sentiment about wanting the brand to not need me was twisted by the press, business was unaffected. Which means that my original vision is possible. Even though I am solidly in the trenches every day, goop is on its way to being much bigger than I am. A solidly un-Hollywood dream.”

Gwyneth Paltrow is about as punk rock as Josh Groban is EDM. It’s real punk rock to buck the system and use your celebrity to ask for investor funding. And even more punk rock is telling people to buy $200 face creams and $1,200 bibs. Gwyneth is so anti-establishment that Sid Vicious is probably jerking off to her in heaven right now.

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