Bats Are Eating Humans Because It’s What We Deserve

Where do I sign up to be bat food?

Researchers in the Catimbau National Park in Brazil have made a shocking discovery. The vampire bats there are starting to feed on humans, because deforestation is slowly killing their usual fast food fave, birds.

This bat species, called D. ecuadata, has evolved over eons to drink bird blood, and have even chosen starving to death over consuming mammal blood in past tests. I say if the scientists were starving these bats to death in the name of science, it is time for their revenge, and I support the bat revolution.

Still waiting on the mustached bird revolution after those tests that other asshole did.

It turns out, however, that mammal blood and bird blood are very different, and the bats are actually not evolved to metabolize our shitty blood. They are just doing it because we fucks keep moving into their home and killing all their birds.

Jezebel reports that according to scientist Enrico Bernard who has been leading the recent bat studies:

“They are adapting to their environment and exploiting the new resources.”

Hopefully the people they bit turn into vampires, just like Jaden Smith, and don’t just get rabies.

Which is what usually happens when bats bite people.

[Image: Erik Starck]

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