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After a Long Quest to Become Even More Insipid, Justin Bieber Finds Jesus

According to TMZ, Justin Bieber cancelled his Purpose tour to rededicate himself to Christ. Never mind that “Purpose” already sounds like the title of some crappy Christian rock album by a band with a name like Creed or The Insane Clown Posse. Bieber’s actual statement said he was cancelling his tour due to exhaustion, and I can see how being that big a douche 24/7 could wear you out after a while. According to his new BFFs at the Hillsong Church, though, he’s cancelled his tour because of Jesus. And I had always assumed Jesus was a Kanye West fan. And I’m sure Kanye West assumed the same.

The Hillsong Church is an Australian megachurch that is also a Christian record label. They preach a “prosperity gospel” that says Jesus hated poor people, because who can forget when Jesus said “Blessed are the super rich, who can avoid those icky lepers.” Even with all that going on, they still find the time to be against gay marriage and deny evolution. Bieber flew into Australia earlier this month to attend the church’s conference and generally act like a moron by brushing his teeth in the middle of an interview.

Bieber’s tour has been a mess recently anyway. Someone threw a bottle at him when he stopped performing “Despacito,” a song that reached the top of the Billboard charts despite Bieber not knowing the words or speaking the language it’s written in. Then he told a young woman who wanted a picture with him “You make me sick.” And even if everything goes right at one of his concerts, it’s still 2-3 hours of listening to Justin Bieber singing.

On Channel Nine’s Today Extra in Australia, entertainment editor Richard Wilkins said that Bieber may be starting his own church. This news apparently travelled backwards in time and led to “No Religion” becoming the largest religion in Australia.

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