In Defense Of Sex Cults: A Primer on Hollywood’s Sexiest New Trend

I have a lot of time to sit and think, since a good portion of my job is sitting and thinking about what I have to say about the various news stories we cover. Since I wrote about Allison Mack being the second-in-command of a sex cult, it got me thinking: Are sex cults even that bad? If so, what’s so bad about them? 

I mean, okay, you go on a date with a guy (and it’s always a guy) and at the end of the night, you give him all of your money, cut all of your friends and family out of your life and he kidnaps and sexually tortures you and a number of others for the next decade. But that’s every date! At least, it’s every date I’ve ever been on.

Why do we call that a cult? What even is a cult, anyway? I think we should get a definition from an expert, and who would know better than Mad Magazine cartoonist Dave Berg?

Did you know that Sergio Aragonés was the leader of a cult? Despite being a small cult that was mostly in the margins of other cults, it was often cited as a favorite by cultists.

Sex cults are actually all the rage these days. R. Kelly had one, and there’s no one cooler than R. Kelly, right? Well, okay, Kanye West is cooler, but I’m not entirely convinced that the Kardashians aren’t a cult. And you do not want to know what Bruce Jenner had to do to get initiated into it.

Also, life is hard and cults make things way easier. Do you know how many Kardashians I’ve had to learn since I got this job? Khloe and Kourtney and Kendall and Knob and Gul Dukat… it’s an endless list. Some days I just want to eat some gruel, say some repetitive tasks, and do what a guy who looks nothing like L. Ron Hubbard (wink wink) tells me to.

Another free upside of being in a sex cult is you get a snazzy free body mod. Who doesn’t want to be branded by a makeshift hot iron just inches from their vagina? Sure, you may be thinking “no one in their right mind would actually want that” but you’ve clearly never seen that video with the girl getting her butthole tattooed and talking about how good it feels.

So after you’ve joined a cult, what can you expect your day-to-day life to be like. Well, for starters, you’ll probably finally be able to lose those last five pounds, because you’ll have very little to eat. This is because your cult leader probably likes his women (or men, let’s not be heteronormative) thin. It’s also because cults are expensive and your life savings only goes so far after all the Rolexes and Rolls-Royces with the steering wheel on the wrong side have been bought. No one wants to worship a messiah who drives a Saturn, after all.

When you’re done not eating, there’s probably going to be a lot of reading. Your cult leader has probably written some insane, rambling 500-page manuscript and given it some ridiculous name like Dianetics (but not that because the extremely litigious Church of Scientology is definitely NOT a cult). Most cult leaders are failed YA writers, so don’t expect Shakespeare here. Unrelated, if my publisher rejects my manuscript about a Frankenstein who falls in love with a plain, unremarkable high school girl, I’d like to invite you all to join The Church of The New Red Comet.

A lot of cults mix weird interpretations of Christian lore and imagery with science fiction nonsense. For example, look at this cult recruitment video from Japan.

Japanese cults are also sometimes organized around a forceful, charismatic leader whose followers ascribe her godlike powers and consider her to be an idealized version of their perfect mate, or “waifu”.

Okay, that’s all well and good, but what about the sex? We joined this cult for the sex, right? Well, this is kind of a good news/bad news situation. The good news is you can have all the sex you can handle and more. The bad news is it isn’t with Chloe Sullivan from Smallville, it’s with some weird dude in his 50s with long hair that’s turning grey. Or R. Kelly. If it is R. Kelly, I hope you thought to bring mouthwash into the compound.

If you wanted to have a harem of nubile young women to service you sexually, you would have thought ahead and started the cult yourself. Or, you know, be a prince in a Muslim country.

Running a sex cult is no easy feat, however. Let’s take another look at the guy who got Allison Mack to give up being a former celebrity and dedicate herself to begging him to f**k her.

He’s not good-looking, he’s not famous and he’s not smart, so how did he convince Mack to be his sex slave and bring him other women to bang instead of making occasional cameo appearances on Supergirl? Well, he took advantage of rich people. This is easier than it sounds because most rich people are just the idiot children and grandchildren of actually competent people who made a lot of money and all you have to do to convince them you’re a genius is throw around some meaningless buzzwords like “synergy”.

Once you’re hanging out with rich people and celebrities, you should have no problems recruiting people to your sex cult. And let’s face it, isn’t running a precarious, abusive scam based on convincing gullible celebrities and starfucking groupies that you’re some kind of messiah a lot easier than developing an interesting personality and maybe going to the gym once in a while or taking a cooking class?