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R. Kelly Running a Sex Cult

R. Kelly is in the news for bad things again.

According to a report by Buzzfeed, Kelly trapped women in his house, not his closet, and used them as slaves.

Kelly keeps at least six women, all of legal age, on a pair of his properties. There, he dictates what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep and how they engage in sexual encounters, which he reportedly records. The women must adhere to a certain set of “rules” or face punishment. Kelly allegedly issues the women new cell phones and any communication with their parents is considered a breach of the rules. In many cases, the women have cut off all communication with their families

You know, I thought the third season of Kimmy Schmidt sucked. But they’ve pulled me back for season four.

A former slave of Kelly said, “R. Kelly is the sweetest person you will ever meet. But Robert is the devil.”

So Robert/R. Kelly is a split personality slave-driving cult leader/rapper/singer. The opening line of “Bump N Grind” just got a whole lot deeper.

Kelly’s lawyer issued the following statement:

“We can only wonder why folks would persist in defaming a great artist who loves his fans, works 24/7, and takes care of all of the people in his life. He works hard to become the best person and artist he can be. It is interesting that stories and tales debunked many years ago turn up when his goal is to stop the violence; put down the guns; and embrace peace and love. I suppose that is the price of fame. Like all of us, Mr. Kelly deserves a personal life.”

I’m not sure his lawyer is really debunking anything with that statement. Based on the statement and the report, I too would conclude that Kelly “loves his fans,” “works 24/7,” “takes care of all the people in his life,” “wants to stop gun violence,” and “embraces peace and love.”

Kelly reportedly “preys on aspiring singers” and that’s who he enslaves.

That sound like the worst “I’ll make you famous if you do this” promise ever.

This is my favorite line from the report:

Of course, the law says that consenting adults may take part in any relationship they want, no matter how nontraditional.

R. Kelly has this line printed out in 80 point font, bolded letters, and framed right when you enter one of his houses.

The good news is that all of the women Kelly has trapped and brainwashed are of age. I mean, it’s not GOOD news, but it at least shows growth on Kelly’s part. Age is now a number for him.

If this man didn’t bless us with “I Believe I Can Fly” and “Ignition (Remix)” then I’d be far more upset. But I don’t care how many bad things he does in his life. When it’s the freakin’ weekend, I’m about to have me some fun.

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