Allison’s Mack New Defense Is Her Sex Cult Is a ‘Humanitarian Organization’

There’s an update in Smallville star Allison Mack’s sex cult trial, and boy is it amazing. Lawyers for Keith Raniere, the real leader of the Nxivm organization, made a very “there is no mafia”-style denial, as reported by People.

A motion from Nxivm founder Keith Raniere’s attorneys describes Nxivm — which at least one former member has described as a “cult” — as a “wonderful humanitarian organization” that is “dedicated to achieving peace on a global scale.”

The filing adds: “If there was a polar-opposite of an organized crime family, Nxivm would be it.”

That makes sense. It’s probably true because it’s not like the Russia mafia would brand people and take sexually explicit blackmail pictures of them, right? Oh wait, that’s exactly what they do.

Mack and Raniere are accused of using the self-help group Nxivm as a front for a sex cult known as DOS where Mack found women, branded them, and made them sleep with Raniere because he convinced her his dick has magic healing properties. Which is a business I need to be in. It’s not like it’s any more bullshit than acupuncture…or whatever the hell Gwyneth Paltrow is selling nowadays.

Mack tried to recruit all sorts of celebrities, even A-listers like Emma Watson, but she mostly ended up with the dregs who couldn’t get a reality TV show even if they studied the ancient art of wine throwing in the mountains of China for a decade.

The worst part about this is that Chloe Sullivan won’t be in any of the Smallville reunions we’re probably going to eventually get. Did you see the scene in this year’s Arrowverse crossover where they played the Smallville theme before the scene on the Kent farm? Now we’re never going to see those characters again because someone needed to be healed with a weird, nerdy dick. Thanks a lot, Allison.