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McDonald’s French Fries Cure Baldness as Well as Thinness and Low Blood Pressure

McDonald’s french fries may be the perfect thing to make you fat and hairy, whether you’re looking to get your dad bod ready for swimsuit season or just join certain gay subcultures. At least that’s what Newsweek is reporting after researchers in Japan used a chemical found in McDonald’s french fry oil to stimulate hair follicle growth and successfully grew tiny hairplugs on mice.

The chemical is called dimethylpolysiloxane and it is as delicious as it sounds. Every time I get french fries at McDonald’s, I ask for extra dimethylpolysiloxane. It really sets them apart from other fast food joints. This explains my beautiful, flowing hair that shimmers like a rainbow and why I can only take about ten steps without having to stop and catch my breath.

“The key for the mass production of HFGs was a choice of substrate materials for culture vessel,” says the corresponding author Junji Fukuda, Professor, Yokohama National University. “We used oxygen-permeable dimethylpolysiloxane (PDMS) at the bottom of culture vessel, and it worked very well.”

Okay, dimethylpolysiloxane doesn’t actually grow hair. If you want to grow something from a McDonald’s your best bet is the soft serve machine. The chemical, which McDonald’s uses to prevent french fry oil from splattering, was just used as a key part of the environment in which the hair follicle germs were cultivated before being implanted onto the mice that were used to see if they would actually grow hair.

Also of interest is that dimethylpolysiloxane is the thing that makes Silly Putty so silly. It’s what gives it its characteristic non-Newtonian properties, which basically means it’s a liquid that sometimes acts like a solid. And it’s delicious.

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