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Pharmadouche Martin Shkreli Cried Like a Little Bitch at His Sentencing

NBC Nightly News has a segment called “Making a Difference” because people who actually watch the news on television like to complain that there’s never any good news. Well, today there is some good news that isn’t about how a girl scout raised $50 for cancer research with a lemonade stand. Martin Shkreli, the most-hated person in a country that contains Donald Trump, the Kardashians and whoever the hell is on that Vanderpump Rules show, was sentenced to seven years in prison. And the cherry on top of that sundae is he cried like a little bitch when he got the sentence. The only bad news in this story is that it appears no one got video of it.

You probably already heard he had to forfeit over $7 million in cash and assets, which included his one-of-a-kind Wu Tang Clan album. After having bragged that he wouldn’t spend a day in prison, the A.P. reports Shkreli wasn’t so cocky after he found out he’d be using his one phone call to ask Martha Stewart how to make toilet wine.

“I want the people who came here today to support me to understand one thing, the only person to blame for me being here today is me,” he said. “I took down Martin Shkreli.”

He said that he hopes to make amends and learn from his mistakes and apologized to his investors.

“I am terribly sorry I lost your trust,” he said. “You deserve far better.”

It’s amazing how humble finding out that being a rich asshole doesn’t actually buy your way out of a stint in the joint after you defrauded your investors makes you. And while we don’t have video of him crying in court (yet, please, my birthday is coming up in a few months and it’s all I really want), we’ll always have the transcripts of all the potential jurors in his case calling him an asshole.

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