Kanye West is Absolutely Winning His Divorce From Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian has been married like, eight times, and I think everyone is really surprised that she couldn’t make it work with a massive narcissist who completely changed his entire worldview halfway through their marriage. And as sad as it is that Kim is getting divorced, it’s even sadder that Kanye West is clearly winning the break-up.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had met a few times over the years, but what lead to them dating and eventually marrying is a rejected Comedy Central pilot Kanye and his friend Rhymefest produced called Alligator Boots. The show would have been something of an homage to The Muppet Show with a hip-hop edge featuring West and a puppet rapper called Pork Troy.

Kim Kardashian was in the pilot, playing Princess Leia in that metal bikini from Return of the Jedi. Kanye insisted on having Kim on the show after seeing her sex tape with Ray J.

West was the only human star in the original plan for the pilot, but he had an idea for a love interest. On The Muppet Show, a singer might juggle or an actor might dance; on Alligator Boots, Kanye wanted to dress up like a stormtrooper for a sketch with a costar clad as “slave Leia” from Return of the Jedi. And he had one very specific person in mind.

Kellison: Kanye came to me and said, “I want to put Kim Kardashian in the show.” Now, at that point, Kim Kardashian was known for only one thing—her sex tape with Ray J, which had just come out.

Kellison: When I first met Kanye, he was recording that song “Flashing Lights”—I walked into the studio and he was behind the control board, and this woman was singing one of the sections of the song. She goes, “How about that take?” And he was like, “I’m sorry, I missed it. Can you do it again?” He was watching the Kim Kardashian tape on his computer; it had come out that day, and that’s why he was distracted.

Isn’t that a great story about Kanye West, the same Kanye West who would later tell Kim to stop dressing so sexy? Yeah, they basically got married because he saw her having sex with her friend’s brother and thought “now that I’m producing a TV show, I can use my influence to get this relative unknown on-set and have sex with her myself.” You know who else had that thought? Harvey Weinstein. Maybe it is a good thing that Kanye found Jesus.

A few years later, Kim would be pregnant with the couple’s first child, North West. Kanye really named his first-born child North West, I feel like people forget that. They claimed at the time that North meant “highest power” and she was their North Star, but they later admitted they chose the name because Jay Leno made a joke about it.

Of course, Kanye would later say that he and Kim almost aborted North. He said this in public, during a speech for his presidential run which he honestly thought he was going to win despite not being on the ballot in a lot of states, being Kanye West and being the sort of person who talks about almost having aborted his eldest daughter during a campaign speech.

“The abortion culture teaches that the child isn’t a real soul,” said West, who suggested that was his mindset when Kardashian called him in 2012 crying and screaming after discovering she was pregnant with their first child. “It was my wife that said: ‘This is a soul.’”

He continued, “The scariest thing is she had the [abortion] pills… She had the pills in her hand,” putting them down when West had an epiphany due to his blinking computer screen.

Of course, there was a rumor Kim was pregnant a few years before the couple had North and then Kanye was complaining about the high price of abortions a little while after that, so…

Kanye telling everyone this story of how he and Kim almost aborted North, which devolved into right-wing nonsense about abortion being racist, is widely believed to be the thing that led to the couple’s divorce.

But Kanye seemed to want a divorce long before Kim. If you remember when he went crazier that normal last summer, Kanye called Kim and her mother Kris white supremacists and accused her of cheating on him with Meek Mill. Actually, it kind of sounds like he knew Kim wasn’t having an affair with Meek, but he just didn’t want her meeting with other men to discuss prison reform, which is a major issue for Kim but something Kanye doesn’t seem to care about at all. Either way just a perfect sign of a super-healthy relationship.

If you’re wondering what level of delusion Kanye was on at the time, he also said his message was from “the future president,” something I think we all know not only didn’t happen in 2020 but will never happen.

It takes a certain amount of unchecked ego to think you should be president, especially as a non-politician. A lot of people became involved in politics on a smaller level because they wanted to change things for the better in their community and they ended up getting elected to higher and higher offices; it still takes a certain overblown sense of self to think you should be the leader of an entire country, but when someone who’s never held public office suddenly says “I should be President,” that person is probably a full-on narcissist and will probably be pretty bad at it.

If you look at just how chaotic and poorly managed Kanye’s run for President was, you’ll know that the man should never be let anywhere near a public office in his life and that he’s probably pretty hard to be married with. He basically woke up one day, halfway through the presidential campaign, and said “I’d like to be President of the United States today. I’ll tell people I’ll bring prayer back to schools despite that being clearly unconstitutional.” And then he went out and kind of ran for president. Just like he kind of built concept low-income housing one time, and then had to tear it down because he didn’t get any building permits.

See, Kanye West does things. Specifically, he just does whatever he’s thinking about doing at the moment. Part of that is that he’s bipolar and people having manic episodes will just do weird s**t sometimes, and that’s fine. But Kanye also just doesn’t consider other people even when he’s not having a manic episode. If he wakes up and says “I want to make some ugly-as-s**t shoes and sell them for like $300,” he might just actually make some ugly-as-s**t shoes and sell them for $300.

But he also does things like wake up and say “I think I’m going to buy a ranch in Wyoming and move there whether my wife and kids come with me or not.” That’s really the decision that ended Kanye and Kim’s marriage.

“I just honestly can’t do this anymore. Why am I still in this place where I’m stuck for years? Like, he goes and moves to a different state every year,” Kardashian said. “I have to be, like, together so I can raise the kids. He’s an amazing dad, he’s done an amazing job.”

She added that West “deserves someone who will support his every move” and “go follow him all over the place and move to Wyoming.”

Now, we had heard a number of times that Kanye was desperate to keep his marriage to Kim intact, which makes sense when you consider how much he talks about Jesus these days.

For example, we heard in March, just after the couple announced their divorce officially, that Kanye was working on a plan to get Kim back, and that he hoped that having some space and co-parenting would bring them back together. And there was a story that when it dawned on Kanye that he and Kim were really getting divorced, he wasn’t doing well and was basically hoping they could get back together.

It doesn’t seem like any of that is actually true, though. In fact, Kanye is definitely winning the break-up.

Since the split, Kim has failed the First-Year Law Students’ Exam, which is her first hurdle in becoming a lawyer, not once but twice. Normally, if she fails a third time, she’ll lose any credit she’s gotten for her Law Office Study Program beyond the first year, but she may get a fourth try because of COVID-19 rules.

Students at an accredited law school aren’t required to take this test, which lasts seven hours and consists of four essay questions and 100 multiple-choice questions. It basically exists to make sure the law education you’re getting through reading the law or taking online courses is up to snuff.

And Kim failing isn’t really because she’s dumb, per se, because only about one in five people who take the FYLSE pass it. That said, I don’t think Kim Kardashian is going to turn out to be a secret genius.

Kanye West might actually be a secret genius, though. Well, I guess not secret, because he won’t shut up about how much a genius he is, but still. Kanye used a failed Comedy Central pilot to meet Kim Kardashian, who at the time was in her 20s and famous for being the hot chick with the big ass from the sex tape. He was the one who was sleeping with her when her ass broke the internet.

Today, Kim Kardashian is 40 years old and has had four kids. Kanye’s new girlfriend, Irina Shayk, looks a little bit like Kim but is younger and has only had one kid. That’s a baller move right there; get a woman to waste the best years of her life on you and then trade her in for a younger model during a worldwide pandemic while she’s struggling to accomplish her dreams even though she stood by you through every insane idea you had for a decade.

Most of the time when a relationship ends, you have a good person who is miserable and a bad person who’s happy. Just sayin’.