Posts By Kim Tran at The Blemish

Eminem’s ex takes the high road

By Kim Tran, 9:44 AM on Sep 02, 2009, 2 Comments

Kim Mathers a.k.a Eminem’s two-time wife and now ex for good gave a radio interview to a Detroit Michigan radio station where she let this gem slip:

“He’s not very well endowed.

“If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” [The Sun]

I see. Kim, darling, sweetie, honey pie. Have you ever considered the fact that the only reason you’re on a radio station in the first place is because you were having sex with Eminem? What are you known for, again, besides your haphazard usage of chola lip liner and neglecting to dye your roots? Oh right, you gave birth to Eminem’s 13-year-old daughter, Hailie Jade. Oh, yeah, also, Eminem pays all your bills, and adopted your daughter (who wasn’t his) and your neice (who wasn’t his, or even yours, for that matter), and put them in good schools and treats them like his own children.

I’m not saying he’s a saint, lord knows he’s an overcompensating pissant with drug issues who simply can’t get his crap together and enjoys tearing into people simply for the sake of record sales, but what are you, Kim? The only thing you’ll ever be known for is being Eminem’s ex-wife, and do you really want people remembering you as the girl who doinked his “not very well endowed” penis into celeb-semi-consciousness? I didn’t think so. As the Bible says: “Let he who is without sin crack jokes about someone else’s genitalia.” Or something like that.

Tags: #eminem #kim mathers

Aubrey O’Day <3s Fidel Castro, Hitler

By Kim Tran, 12:22 PM on Sep 01, 2009, 7 Comments

In an astounding turn of events that probably made Rupert Murdoch turn in his grave, Sean Hannity invited Aubrey O’Day onto the show to discuss serious political and societal issues such as America’s health care reform. Aubrey O’Day took the opportunity to let be known that she thinks Fidel Castro was da bomb. Hitler was too.

When U.S. Representative Diane Watson regarded the (arguably cuddly) communist dictator Fidel Castro as a “brilliant leader,” Audrey O’Day called upon her wealth of knowledge of political discernment and gushed: “I’m not defending his behavior in many instances, but I do have to say that I will 100% agree he’s an incredibly brilliant man,” citing the fact that she “worked with him” when she was in Cuba.

I have absolutely racked my brain trying to figure out what line of “work” would bring two incredibly different people- a ruthless communist dictator responsible for the death of thousands and a D-list starlett best known for her friendship with pornstar Jenna Jameson- together for even thirty seconds, let alone enough time for Aubrey O’Day to conclude that he was indeed a “brilliant man,” and I’ve come up with nothing. Someone needs to tell Aubrey O’Day that the Fidel Castro she met wasn’t actually Fidel Castro himself, but a documentary she saw on the history channel about Fidel Castro. I know, darling. The lines between reality and television can get a bit blurred for you. I understand.

Oh yeah, and who else does Aubrey O’Day think is brilliant aside from Castro? Hitler. Of course.

Watch above. Brain cells don’t grow back easily.

Tags: #aubrey o'day #sean hannity

Miley Cyrus double dates with… Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel?

By Kim Tran, 11:55 AM on Aug 25, 2009, 2 Comments

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What fresh hell? Last I checked, Miley was 16 and this fella Carter Jenkins was 17. Justin and Jessica are, you know, adults, and are actually legitimate celebrities. So what those two are doing with an overly sexualized child star and a pedestrian, I’ll never know.

The 16-year-old starlet went to the Kings of Leon with Carter Jenkins, 17, an actor she briefly dated before former underwear model Justin Gaston.

Shortly after Miley and Carter arrived for the star-studded show, I’m told security escorted them to join Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel in the best seats in the house—the technician’s booth!

Later, the foursome was spotted going backstage for a VIP afterparty. [E! Online]

E! Online made a poor choice of words by referring to the couples as a “foursome,” but I applaud their candor. If they hadn’t made the joke, I sure as shit would have. P.S., where is this world where 16-year-olds roam the streets of LA, hang out with award winning musicians and actresses, date a plethora of men and go to VIP parties? Where? How do I sign up? My credentials are about the same as Miley’s: I’m young, kinda cute, I can’t sing for shit, and my dad has a mullet. How bout it, Justin? Wanna grab a brewski later?

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Tags: #jessica biel #justin timberlake #miley cyrus

Lady GaGa is a role model

By Kim Tran, 10:51 AM on Aug 25, 2009, 2 Comments

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A Lady Gaga lookalike is wanted by Merseyside Police for involvement in an apparently unprovoked attack that occurred a month before:

“The blonde suspect and five friends allegedly attacked the man during a boozy-night out in Liverpool last month, leaving him with a broken ankle and bruises.

…It is thought the victim was kicked and punched repeatedly by the group and detectives are appealing for witnesses to help with the inquiry.

The six women that detectives wish to speak to are all believed to be in their twenties.” [Click Liverpool]

Apparently there’s no word on how she resembles Lady Gaga other than the fact that she’s a blonde. Great work, U.K. police. So we’re looking for a blonde who has about five friends. I’ll get right on it, we’ll get an international manhunt on the way. If she dresses anything like Lady Gaga she’ll be a hard one to spot indeed, sequined unitards and nipple tape are a dime a dozen on the world’s youth today. Of course, seeing as the attack occurred about a month ago, chances are she’s not dressed the same way she was a month ago. Great work, Click Liverpool. Talk about investigative reporting. What with the wealth of information and illustrative description we were given, this bitch’ll be brought to justice in no time at all…

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Tags: #lady gaga

Heidi Montag is honest

By Kim Tran, 9:27 AM on Aug 14, 2009, 61 Comments

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Heidi Montag’s playboy spread is about as interesting as dirt, so I skimmed through it and highlighted the (barely) interesting parts for yours truly. I know. I’m expecting that Nobel Prize in the mail any day now.

“You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer,” she tells Spencer, who interviews her for the issue. “I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day.” [Us]

20 or 30 orgasms. Right. I love how casually she threw that out, just like being at the market and picking up “two or three” tomatoes. Heidi Montag has roughly about “20 or 30″ orgasms a day. Now, I’m not sayin’ she’s a liar, but if I was having sex with Spencer Pratt it’d take more than the half-hearted thrustings of his pale, weak body and a prayer to get me even remotely close. She looks forward to sex with this guy every minute of the day? I bet she does! Why wouldn’t she? I’ll tell you why. Having sex with Spencer Pratt is roughly equivalent to, oh, I don’t know, any of the following:

getting herpes
bathing an old person
dropping an anvil on your foot
being buried alive
milk
cereal
toilet paper

Oops. Kinda bled into the grocery list there. But you get the point.

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Tags: #heidi montag #playboy #spencer pratt

Lady GaGa wants to end humanity

By Kim Tran, 7:24 AM on Aug 14, 2009, 0 Comments

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Lady GaGa was featured in OUT magazine where she dropped this bombshell:

“I just want to be clear before we decide to do this together: I’m gay. My music is gay. My show is gay. And I love that it’s gay. And I love my gay fans and they’re all going to be coming to our show. And it’s going to remain gay… I very much want to inject gay culture into the mainstream,” she says, “It’s not an underground tool for me. It’s my whole life. So I always sort of joke the real motivation is to just turn the world gay.” [OUT]

Joke. Gotcha. Just like how Japanese used to joke about Pearl Harbor, right? But on a serious note, I have no problem with the gays. I love the gays. I just have a problem with everyone in the world being gay. I mean, procreation would be a lot more complicated than it is now, wouldn’t it? If all the boys liked boys and all the girls liked girls, who’d be making the babies? I’ll tell you who. No one. Which would result in the unseemly demise of the human race. You see that, people? That’s called responsible journalism. Bask in it.