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Gwyneth Paltrow Gives Anal Sex Tips and Teaches Old Women How to Have Casual Sex

Goop‘s Sex Issue has come out and there’s a lot going on. If you’ve ever wanted Gywneth Paltrow to give you an anal sex reality check, you’re in luck.

“First it was shocking, then it was having a cultural moment, now it’s practically standard in the modern bedroom repertoire—or so a quick scan of any media, from porn to HBO, will tell you. But the reality about anal is not, actually, that everyone’s doing it, says research psychoanalyst and author Paul Joannides.”

Wow, you mean just because it’s in porn that doesn’t mean everyone is doing it? I have no interest in hanging out with the kinda people who refer to anal sex as “having a cultural moment.” So what, have gay dudes been having a millennia long cultural moment?

Joannides also gives some anal sex tips:

The way the rectum curves shortly after the opening tells us we need to make a lot of adjustments for anal to feel good. Also, the two sets of sphincter muscles that nature placed around the opening of the anus to help humans maintain their dignity when in crowded spaces (to keep poop from dropping out) mean there’s an automatic reflex if you push against them from the outside.

So one of the first things a woman or man needs to do if they want to be on the receiving end of anal sex is to teach their sphincter muscles to relax enough that a penis can get past their gates. This takes a lot of practice.

Of course, because it’s Goop, there’s a sex toy article. It includes a $673 pleasure puff ring that is literally just a feather duster stuck to the top of a ring and $125 lace bunny ears. And of course $120 gold-infused sex oil.

You can also read Gwyneth Paltrow’s guide to casual sex, which I am guessing involves at least three assistants, or an article trying to make old, single women feel better about themselves, despite our shitty society telling them they are useless shriveled prunes.

“I see a difference in how women in their forties walk into a room, the way they can make heads turn and pulses race. It’s a radiance, a power from within. Call it a sexual glow, or just plain sex appeal. Whatever it is, it’s alluring.”

Somebody should tell men that, I guess.

If you really want curated content about fucking from a chick that thinks octopuses are too smart to eat and that jamming a jade egg in your vag will solve all your problems, you are in for a treat.

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robert franklin stroud

Sharia Law can’t get here soon enough.

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